5 Signs You’ve Lost Your Mind in Santa Land
1. You laugh hysterically at the absurdity of the question you are about to pose to a co-helper: Do you know where the keys to the reindeer pen are?
2. After consuming three cookie and cocoa combos you decide one more is a good idea.
3. You let the face painter draw two sets of jingle bells on your face as a “sales technique”.
4. While brainstorming marketing tactics, you decide on creating a photo set titled “Santa’s Beard or Reindeer Butt?”
5. Your brain is so zapped from your 10 hour shift that you can’t think of a 5th sign that you’ve lost your mind in Santa Land.>
"Oh By Golly" is Back and Jollier than Ever!
After a two-year hiatus, Santa’s Helper has returned to the North Pole for another season of merriment. Yes, another season of prostituting Santa’s image by selling photos of spoiled suburban children sitting their poopy-diapered butts on the old guy’s lap. But this year, things are going to be different. This year, Santa has ditched the shopping mall in the Suburb-Which-Shall-Not-Be-Named and taken his photo studio to a century-old farmhouse on the outskirts of the city for a full-fledged Santa experience.
In addition to over-priced photo packages, we’ve got face-painting, cookies and cocoa, Elf on a Shelf, a Christmas coloring station, Mrs. Claus, handmade crap, and not one but two reindeer. You heard me: reindeer.
Who could resist such an epic holiday event? Not this elf!>
Parenting.com has provided this article including things parents can do to make for a pleasant visit with Santa. Based on my Santa-photo expertise I’d say it’s a darn good list. However, they have missed a few of the “What Not To Dos” so I’ve taken the liberty of spelling them out myself.
What not to do when taking your child to visit Santa:
- Do not ask Santa to put on his hat and coat in a 68 degree shopping mall. He’ll got hot, sweaty, and consequentially stinky. This odor will offend your children and possibly make them cry.
- Do not dress them up in fancy Christmas outfits. Children know that when you force them into sparkly dresses and sweater vests that something unpleasant awaits. Example: church.
- Do not get your hopes up. It is best to approach Santa photos with low expectations. In the off chance that your photo turns out to be a keeper, then you’ve got something to be merry about.
A Day in the Life of an Elf
A slideshow of pics from Macy’s Santaland. It’s cute but this is the 4th year in a for this theme. Step up your game, Macy’s.
To be fair, Macy’s has outdone every Twin Cities suburban shopping mall with this set four years in a row. This includes the set in the Suburb-Which-Shall-Not-Be-Named where I spread my Christmas cheer.
Imagine if you will, a castle-esque structure in a mall atrium. The dominant color was once a festive goldenrod but is now a dingy piss-yellow. The painted images on the walls show Santa’s elves building toys in the workshop (slave labor?). The walkway through the pissy elf sweatshop hosts interactive features such as a trippy holographic video of an elf explaining what life is like for the elves. Other features include telephones through which, at one time, children could talk to the elves. Now, when children put the phones to their ear, they hear the god-awful sound that comes out of your tv when the cable goes out and the screen goes fuzzy. Oh, and there’s also a button that, when pushed, light’s up Rudolph’s red nose. Genius.
So here’s to Macy’s, for having a Santa set that is not a holly-jolly piece of shit, even if it has been unchanged for four years.
It’s true. You’re never too old (or too fat, or too Jewish) to sit on Santa. Santa’s contract with the mall has a nondiscrimination clause.
Many children suffer from Santa-phobia at some point during their young lives. Sure, the concept of a jolly fat man who brings presents seems great and all, but a child’s encounter with St. Nick can be, well, terrifying.
Today, a young boy, probably about 5 years old, was afraid of Santa. Nothing unusual there. However, said boy knew the importance of delivering his wish list to the man in the red suit. On the first go he attempted to shout his list at Santa while maintaining a safe distance. His second strategy was to use his mother as a pawn by pushing her towards Santa thinking she would deliver the list on his behalf. After a brief recess at the play land, he returned for his third and final approach. He dashed across the set, flailing his list in the general direction of Santa and exited the set never to be seen again. Mission accomplished.>